Good jokes folks, I can relate to the joke above. My neice(5yrs old) was out with her Dad one day and they stopped by his buddies shop and had a couple, on the way home my Brother in-law gets stopped in a police ride program and the officer asks him, have you been drinking tonight sir, my bro in-law says yes and states that he only had one beer, before the officer could respond my neice leans over the back seat and looks at her Dad and says, "No Daddy, you had two"! At that time the officer broke out in laughter and said be on your way sir....Irv
Check this one out.
I was talking to a friend's six-year old daughter the
other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she
replied, "I want to be
President!" Both of her parents - liberal Democrats -
were listening. I then asked her, "If you were President what would you
She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless
"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her. "You know, you
don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come
over to my house and mow, pull weeds and sweep my porch, and I'll pay
you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this
homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new
She thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom
glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't
the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can pay him the
**** EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is **** exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of **** is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into **** and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to ****, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering ****, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to ****. Since there is more than one of these religions a nd since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to ****. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in **** to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in **** because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in **** to stay the same, the volume of **** has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If **** is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter ****, then the temperature and pressure in **** will increase until all **** breaks loose.
2. If **** is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in ****, then the temperature and pressure will drop until **** freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in **** before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that **** is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since **** has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
DON'T PASS IT ON
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
That was pretty freakin' serious Shick, and I agree 100
And now for more foolishness...
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 58 years."
I've got an '02 Ford Taurus with 99k miles that's got something loose in the front end but I'm not entirely sure what it is. When under moderate to hard braking there's a quick shaking in the front of the car and the steering wheel jerks in sync with the shaking. Jacked up one front wheel, left...
Have an '02 Ford Taurus that's been grandma driven for all of it's 95k miles. After doing some very easy driving in town for a couple hours today I accelerated up to about 50 and noticed the car didn't seem to be responding to the gas pedal anymore. Looked down and the engine was doing 4k...
****, it took 30 years of driving to cause my first accident, and on Friday the **** 13th. Did a low speed rear end into the back of a lifted truck and got into it's trailer receiver. The only place it made contact with was at the very front center of the hood close to where it...
I'm outfitting my middle aged '02 Taurus with a new starter and need some advice on what brand starter to get. I'm tempted to get this reman Motorcraft, the fourth one down in the orange remanufactured section...
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